Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
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My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Cat is stressing him out.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true