Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
You Might Also Like
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
yeah no that’s fair
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
me working on my assignments ^-^
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?