I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
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I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana