M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
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My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*