In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
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My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.