In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
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When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
WTF
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude