To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
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Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.