Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
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[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
what kind of cook setting is this??
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.