“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
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Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
🙋♀️
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?