What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
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I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.