I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
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*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
The Struggle
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week