Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
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Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?