God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
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Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
School be like
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.