there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
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me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
True
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.