Ok, but like, how married are you?
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Human are so complicated
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.