The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
You Might Also Like
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
good morning
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.