Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
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*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
For the baby who has everything
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??