Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
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Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.