[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
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One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line