[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
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People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.