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People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR