Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
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I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.