DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
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No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.