Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
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Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Great game to play with friends
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”