My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
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My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?