Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
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Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Smells like a challenge to me
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.