My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
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Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Canadian owl: Eh?
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks