Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
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“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
An odd boast
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Just had my nails done!
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army