My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
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When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits