If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
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In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Ghost costume 😂
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.