Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
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We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
me, after any kind of buffet.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]