I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
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A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
If only
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle