They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
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Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Yup
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning