big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
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I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~