[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
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In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
A dad and his duck
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
john wicks are toilet candles
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists