Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
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instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No