*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
You Might Also Like
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Imma just leave this here…………
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.