No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
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“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Happy Taco Tuesday
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
What about second breakfast?
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.