“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
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If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I feel it
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Saw online –
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”