Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
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Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
My ideal weight is five million dollars
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy