[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
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[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
when you don’t want to be too vague
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree