If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
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When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.