Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
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My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm