Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
You Might Also Like
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Well, shit
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.