Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
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I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying