When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
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Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Love this guy
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
I think long & hard before using innuendo.