me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
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Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Breaking news:
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.