my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
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Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
choose your gary
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.