Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
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My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut