Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
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Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.